Kids Have To Cry When They Need To Cry
3 Things You Can Do Today to Support Your Child's Emotional Regulation
Letter from my daughter in 2008, age 6
My heart broke when my daughter handed me this note when she was 6 years old. For over 11 years now, this note has been on display in my living room as a reminder….
At the time, she had been crying about something (I honestly don’t remember what) and I had been particularly impatient with her. I hadn’t stopped to listen to her, to understand her, or care for her when she was upset. I was probably distracted, frustrated with her immature emotional dysregulation, tired of parenting young children. I can’t remember more details than that…but I DO remember her handing me this small slip of paper with this wise statement shortly after the incident.
It says, in her cute early attempts at spelling: “Mommy, kids have to cry when they need to cry… I love you Mommy.”
I remember weeping while I hugged her and told her I loved her. I remember thanking her and promising her I would keep this note forever to remind me of its truth.
And I share it here because it reminds us that sometimes kids have to cry when they need to cry! Children need to be free to express big emotions…even when they are an inconvenience to our busy adult lives. They might even serve to remind us to SLOW DOWN, to SEE the child in front of us, to have compassion.
Remember how little our children really are. How so much of their lives are controlled by us. And how their brains are immature and not developed yet. We parents have to be their thinking brain until they are a bit older…well, maybe even a lot older since the executive function and self-regulation portions of the brain are not fully developed until age 25!
Here are 3 simple things you can do today to support your child’s emotional regulation:
Listen to them. No agenda. Just listen and respond. Have a thoughtful conversation.
Name your own emotions in the context of daily life. This could be as simple as saying: “I feel sad / happy / excited / worried today because…..”
Allow your child to have big emotions and NAME their emotions for them when they are upset. “You feel so MAD!” or “You feel happy!” Don’t try to process more than that in the moment of the meltdown. When children are upset, the thinking parts of the brain literally shut down. Just focus only on helping them calm down…then talk about the emotions.
Keep on keeping on, parents! We’re all on this journey together.
My daughter (3 months old) and I, 2002, Miami Beach.