The 3 Step Plan for Helping Your Child Manage Big Emotions

Does your child struggle to regulate their own emotions at times?  

Do YOU struggle to regulate your emotions at times, too?

This is a lifelong process. Children need us to give them consistent help with this skill as they grow and mature.

It is helpful to have a "go-to" plan for when your child experiences big emotions and needs help self-regulating. 

(Because let's be real parents- we don't do our best thinking in these meltdown moments either!)

The framework I like to use is based on the work of Dr. Ross Green and focuses on collaborative problem solving with your child.  Next time your child has a meltdown, try these 3 steps:

1. Empathize & name the emotion.
Empathize and reassure them that you understand. This involves saying your observations of how they may be feeling. State the obvious and name the emotion. For example: "You're mad." "You're sad." "You're frustrated." "You're disappointed." 

*IMPORTANT NOTE: Children may need TIME in this phase to calm down.  Calming sensory strategies can help; a hug, massage, or movement activities may get them in a calmer state of mind to begin the next steps.

2. Define the problem.  State what the problem is in non-judgmental terms. Example: "We have a problem because there isn't time to go to the library today, and we have to go to the doctor appointment."

3. Invite your child to help solve the problem.  

Some ways you can invite them:
"Do you have any ideas how..."
"Let's.... " 
The solution to the problem should work for both of you, be feasible, and be mutually satisfying.
 

You might encourage them to ask for help, meet halfway/give a little, or do things a different way as part of the solution-generating.

In sum: name the emotion, define the problem, and problem-solve together with your child.

It sounds so easy as I type it, but in reality, it takes time, effort and patience.  

But when we model this type of collaboration and problem solving for our children, we are truly helping build their ability to self-regulate, and building future problem-solving skills needed for success in adult life.

Thinking of you and sending good vibes as you raise creative problem-solving children,
Laura Park Figueroa

& all of us at OKOT